One of the greatest challenges when I decided to quit my job, back in Puerto Rico in 2005, was dealing with myself. Yes, dealing with myself and the voices in my head is one of the greatest and most difficult challenges I had to deal with every single day. So imagine how scared I am about "dealing with myself". (It can be scary! - if you know me well enough!)
I found a way to make it work in Arkansas for few months, even created a paid-job, at the clinic where Jim was doing his fellowship in cosmetic surgery. It was a lot of fun settling into the "American" life surrounded by a southern accent. To be honest, back then I wasn't able to understand much. :)
Then in 2006 we moved again, this time to Maryland. And once again jobless. I decided to post resumes for positions in the Federal government but nothing really showed up. Now, I'm a little grateful about that one... working on Human Resources within the federal government should be like a 24/7 torture. Yes, 24/7 because I will bring all the stress back home! After few months, the voices started to challenge me again... You are not good enough, your accent is to prominent, your english is bad, you are not bringing money to the house... etc.
Fortunately, I decided to take a temp job at Human Resources, and later on got my real estate license. Voices were silenced for a while.
I maintained few jobs simultaneously, none of them "relevant enough", at least that what the voices told me! I wasn't making much money, but I was meeting beautiful people in real estate and the other jobs. STILL, it wasn't enough. It took me a while understanding that I was measuring / defining myself based on how much money I made. Interesting concept.
I guess that's what happened when you are used to be independent, have a "relevant" job and the admiration of your friends and family. Suddenly you are not working and you hear that question that you don't want to hear... "So Dora, What do you do for a living?" and you completely avoid the honest answer... "I'm a housewife". OH GOD! What a problem I still have with that word... not sure why. I was raised by a housewife and know tons of housewives, and I have deep admiration for what they do, especially if they have kids also. So, not sure why I still have a problem calling myself a housewife. (I think it's related with the "feminism" crap back in the 70's.)
After all those years I was still struggling when we move to Germany. Once again I had to quit everything I was doing in Maryland and start all over in Germany. And the voices started to torture me again.
Last year, my lower back injury got a little more complicated. I have degenerative disk disease, well me and a lot of other people all over the world. The problem is that I have 41 years old, my brain 25, most of my body 35 and my lower back 80! Get the picture? A little frustrating on rainy days!! (which are a LOT in Germany!!) Well, long story short I got my last MRI results in May and the lower back is pretty screwed up. That week, I cried... A LOT! And after crying for few days I decided to do something important for myself.
There is not much you can do with that condition... it's what it is. So I focused on what I can do... Lose weight, strengthening my muscles and become a healthier version of myself. It worked out, 6 months later I was 16 pounds lighter and feeling way better. I added a more strict eating routine (clean eating) and strength training during the last 5 months, and my life is even better now than a year ago.
The voices were there all the time... "look for a job", "you are useless", "your brain in dying"... They can get that nasty... really!! But something happened few weeks ago.
I realized that I'm healthier now than in any other time in my life. I said healthier, not thinner!! I feel incredibly strong, I have a level of energy that I appreciate, and I'm NOT in constant back pain. My muscles are strong enough to support my lower back. In that very moment, I told my voices... I won't feel like this, I won't have this energy or strength if I didn't have all this free time to figure it out.
I have to add that since the very moment Jim and I married, he always encouraged me to do what I want, what I like. He let me explore new opportunities and support my crazy ideas. Sometimes he called himself the person who "DESTROYED MY SUCCESSFUL CAREER"... and I hate when he said that, because he really SAVED me in so many ways. I was a successful but unhappy workaholic before I met Jim, I don't even want to start thinking where I would be if I haven't met Jim. Jim has always been my voice of peace.
Ok, let me wrap this up... the voices are still there and they get up every once in while to torture me. The difference now is that I don't let them bring me down. Now, I can talk back at them. I listen to what they have to say and then I let them know all the good things that I learn, do and enjoy because I'm a housewife (still difficult to say!-working on it).
Do I want to go back to work when we move to the US? HECK YES! But I have 1 or 2 years to realize what I want to do, maybe even go back to school while I'm here and keep reinventing myself. I'm investing all that time in making my family healthier and stronger.
I'm a housewife and I like it. (most of the time!) Shame on you - Feminist Movement for making me feeling guilty saying that word! :)
... and to my hubby - "Honey, I'm very happy! I love you with all my heart! Don't worry about me, I'm fine."
